Hello, My Name is Jeff.

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Archive for December 2008

Q: Jeff, Where Are You?

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It’s been at least two weeks since your last entry. We miss you. We want you back. I… want you back. There is a void in my life.


Your Secret Admirer

A: Dear Secret Admirer,

I appreciate your concern. I’ll be returning in January with more blogging, answers to the craigslist time machine ad, conversations from Japan, the bittersweet nature of intuition, karma and more. In the mean time, feel free to drop me a line at hellomynameisjeff.wordpress (@) gmail.com

Stay tuned and happy New Year.



Written by Jeff

December 29, 2008 at 11:29 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Monday, Laundry Monday

with 3 comments

December 9, 2008

6:35 PM: There is something tenuous about Monday nights.  I can’t quite place it, but they always seem to either be the aggressive instigator of a really long week, or a quick trailblazer that drag the other days of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and finally Friday away in a flash, as if they have somewhere better to be. I have just finished making a pan of what promises to be delicious Japanese curry.  My mouth waters mercilessly as I ladle the thick curry sauce onto bowls of steamed rice.  Just as I finish, my phone rings.  It’s my wife, Shannon.  I know this cannot be good, and not because I don’t enjoy the melodious voice, or the unexpected turns of humor that she will drop into a conversation when I least expect it.  I know this cannot be good because she left the apartment less than 90 seconds ago to move our laundry from the washers to the dryers.

“What’s up?” I say.  “I can’t get the door open,” she says.

“I’ll be there in a second,” I say.  Then I take the bowls of curry and place them in the microwave to keep them warm while I make a short jaunt over to help Shannon push the door open.

The on-site laundromat is a 60 second walk down the stairs and across the parking lot from our apartment door.  It’s situated on a little grassy area, surrounded by evergreens on one side, and smashed up behind the unsightly, vanilla-colored rear of a thrift-store on the other.  As I approach, I remark on how the door seemed fine when we put the clothes in the washers.  I brace my shoulder against the door, place the key in the knob, and turn.  The door is solid.  I give the door some concentrated shoves, even going as far as to kick the door.  No movement.  I try to turn the knob, and as I do so, find that with little effort I can spin the door knob around 360 degrees in place.  Those who use doors regularly will take note that this is not a regular occurrence.  I note this as well, because the knob makes a grinding noise on the inner wood of the door.

“What are we going to do?” says Shannon.  She is not what you would call a basket-case, but this is a question I hear often from her.  She reminds me that we need our clothes.  I do not disagree with her sentiment.  And so, together we walk to the on-site manager’s apartment and knock on the door.  “Sorry to bother you,” I say, “but the laundry room door refuses to open.”  He sighs and tells us he will be there in a moment.

6:40 PM: When he arrives, we see him do much the same things as me.  He turns the knob, but stronger than I did, ignoring the grinding sound.  He kicks the door, but stronger than I dared to.  He mutters under his breath, but with words that may have been stronger than I would have thought appropriate for the situation.  Strength wins the day.  The door is made to open, and Shannon and I enter, relieved that we can move our wet clothes to the dryers.  So ends our troubles for the evening…

We wish.

6:45 PM: I am on my knees, reaching into the dryer and fishing through wet clothes for a pair of Shannon’s nylons that aren’t supposed to be machine dried, when the manager remarks that the dryer I’ve placed the wet load in doesn’t function so well, and that the clothes will probably still be wet when I’m done.  He insists on handing me a few quarters to run it again later.  We pocket the change, then grab the clothes and begin moving them to a functioning, empty dryer.  As we do so, the manager points out that we shouldn’t have anymore problems with the door, and to prove it to us, turns the knob a few times.  Then he steps out and closes the door.

6:47 PM: We’re putting the finishing touches on the laundry, and turning the dryers on, when the doorknob rattles.  It’s the manager again.  I hear him kick the door.  I walk over to let him in, but while the doorknob turns, the door doesn’t open.  It occurs to me that this is not a good sign.  I can hear the manager shouting something, but can’t make it out over the dull rumble of the dryers.  I open the window next to the door.  “It won’t open from this side,” I say.  He groans.  He pounds and kicks the door repeatedly.  The same strength that opened the door previously, seems no longer to have any effect.  “Okay,” he says sliding up to the window, “I’m going to slide the key to the utility closet under the door.  Find a screwdriver and take off the knob.”

Invigorated with a new sense of purpose and eager to display my handymanship, I leap to the supply closet.  It opens readily.  I find a suitable screwdriver and leap back to the unscrupulous door.  I take out the two screws of the faceplate, and hand them to Shannon.  The knob does not come off, and neither the manager nor I know quite how to actually take it off.  I walk to the window.  “Ummmmm,” I say.

7:00 PM: “Okay,” the manager says.  He thinks for a moment.  “You know what?  Get a hammer.”

My heart immediately sinks.  It’s come to this.  We’ve moved beyond reason, and beyond our advanced intellect.  Within only a few minutes, we’ve run out of ideas and out of solutions.  I walk back to the supply closet, and look for the hammer.  The shelves of tools, the water heater, the bags of more tools, the bags of fertilizer, the bags of salt and the lawn-care tools become oppressive.  I step over the toolbox into the center of the supply closet.  I spin around, confronted by a million secret hiding places.  I am swimming in tools.  No.  The door won’t open, and metal bars cover the front of the windows like iron fingers.  I am swimming among the artifacts of my tomb.  And what’s more, I can’t find the hammer.  I CAN’T FIND THE HAMMER!

“Did you find it yet?” Shannon says as she walks in.  She looks down at the toolbox.  “It’s right here.”  She pulls the hammer out of the toolbox and hands it to me.

7:15 PM: The hammer didn’t work.  We’ve even tried taking the hinges off the door.  Unfortunately, two out of three doesn’t do it when you’re trying to take off the door by its hinges.  The door was given a fresh coat of white paint two weeks earlier and whoever did it decided to paint the hinges over as well.  The top hinge is now sealed somehow.  I have in my possession two screws, a mini-screwdriver broken while trying to pop out the hinges, a second, larger screwdriver, a tiny Allen wrench, the key to the supply closet, and lint from the dryers.  None of these seem of any use now.  The manager is outside beating at the doorknob with the hammer.  We passed it to him through the bars after he cut a hole in the screen with his keys.

I imagine, months from now, the manager will show our replacements around the complex.  “Don’t mind the screaming and scratching noises from our conveniently located laundry facility,” he’ll say.  “It’s just a couple of tenants that got trapped inside.  Want to watch me feed them?”

7:20 PM: Two minutes ago, we had a stroke of luck, and used the tiny Allen wrench to press an equally tiny button which allowed us take off the knob.  We removed the faceplate again, and the manager pulled out the whole doorknob/locking mechanism.  Unfortunately, our luck is short lived.  The shaft from the internal body of the mechanism that actually keeps the door closed has detached and is lodged tight in place. No amount of beating with a hammer, fiddling with a screwdriver, or tickling with a finger can convince it to free us from our laundromat prison.

Worn out, frustrated, and disillusioned, our manager whispers through the hole in the door that he is going to make a phone call.  He draws his cell phone from his pocket and, while dialing, nudges the shaft with the screwdriver.  It falls out.  The manager, Shannon and I stand in stunned silence as the door swings casually open, as if to say, in a bored, adolescent tone, “What?”

7:30 PM: We pull the bowls of curry rice from the microwave, and note that they’ve cooled.  It is to be expected after almost an hour.  We place them back in the microwave, and chuckle as our curry is radiated back to a palatable temperature.  We sit on the couch, bless the food, and then savor the curry rice as it slides from our spoons into our mouths.  It is not merely the taste of the curry that is savory though, it is the flavor of freedom.

Written by Jeff

December 15, 2008 at 1:24 pm

Posted in laundry

Tagged with , , , ,

Feel My Muscles

with 3 comments

When I was in 6th grade, our teacher told us a story about a young farmer who bet an acquaintance of his, a fellow from the city, that given 5 years to prepare he could lift a full-grown cow over his head.  Certain that this was impossible, the acquaintance from the city took him up on the bet.  The young farmer thought himself to be a shrewd man and had a plan.  A new calf had just been born.  Every morning the young farmer would walk into his pasture and lift the calf over his head.  Knowing that muscle builds over time, the farmer had concluded that by the time the calf was full-grown, by lifting daily he would have become strong enough to lift it.

Our teacher never told us the result of the farmer’s experiment.  It is, after all, just a fable.  But as elementary school students are bound to do, we focused all our powers of speculation on whether or not the farmer won the bet.

Over time I realized that this story is less about whether it’s actually possible to lift a cow over your head, and more about the importance of daily discipline.  I also realized how dumb elementary school students could be.

December 6, 2008

Saturday Morning: I wake up and, before I take a shower, make sure to lift the weights I got last month.  There’s no real set routine.  Instead, I just lift however much I feel like.  Today I lift 10 times with one arm, then switch to the other arm and do 10, then switch back again, and so forth.  The only thing I try to do is make sure that I lift the same number of times with each arm.  This isn’t as easy as you would think.  My left arm is noticeably stronger than my right.  My wife, Shannon, says it’s because I throw with my left arm.  But it leaves me with uneasy questions: Should I still lift the same amount with both arms?  Will they even out eventually?  What if they don’t?  Should I be lifting more with my right arm to try and even them out? What if, in trying to compensate, I miss the point where they are even, and then my right arm becomes stronger than my left?

After I finish my routine-of-the-day, I take off my shirt and flex my biceps in front of Shannon.  “Feel my muscles,” I say with a grin.  “Oooh,” she says.

But she doesn’t say it in the way you would think.  Not in the way a woman would lavish her adoration for someone like Kevin Sorbo, who played Hercules on TV and regularly misplaced his shirt by the end of each episode.  No, instead there’s a now-unspoken joke between us every time I lift weights.

The day I bought the weights with birthday money I received from my wife’s parents, I put them together and lifted like a man on a mission.  Several years ago, I worked for a geo-technical consulting firm as a lab technician, a job which was less about science and more about lifting a weighted hammer thousands of times a day.  This had turned a skinny, floppy-armed boy into someone who could finally do pull-ups.  Unfortunately, muscle unused is muscle lost, and now years later, my past muscles have been relegated to legend.  When I got these new weights, I was so anxious to build back the old muscle, that same day if I could, that I over-lifted.  As a result, I was sore for an entire week.  Through my own over-exuberance, I rendered my arms useless.  It hurt to lift books, boxes, baskets full of laundry… pencils.

That’s why I stick to my current Lift Enough But Not Too Much Program.  And, you know, I think it’s working.

But tell you what, let me prove it to you.  If you see me on the street, in the library, at a meeting or wherever, ask to feel my muscles.  Ask for “the gun show.”  I will say yes.  And you will see that the program works.  We can talk about our favorite lifting techniques, “gun control”, whether Lou Ferrigno could beat up Arnold Schwarzenegger, lifting cattle over our heads, and so much more.  And if I don’t let you feel my muscles, try to understand that it probably means I over-lifted again.

Written by Jeff

December 8, 2008 at 11:05 am