My 2008 Resolutions
With a New Year comes the big question on everyone’s mind, “what are my resolutions?” It turns up in conversation, in thought… it seems inescapable.
It was while pondering my New Year’s resolutions for 2009 that I considered my 2008 resolutions. What had I accomplished in 2008? I asked my wife, Shannon, the question. “Ummm,” she said. “You changed your major. You… didn’t get a divorce.” I would like to point out that our marriage is not on the rocks. “You got a portfolio together,” she says last, and then ducks into the bathroom. That’s all she’s got. I admit it’s more than I had. Perhaps the only accomplishment I could think of is that I didn’t die. 2008 apparently was not a banner year.
I wanted to find my 2008 resolutions to see how well I did, but I couldn’t think where they might be.
Then it occurred to me that I never made them. I couldn’t decide which was more depressing: to have accomplished no resolutions, or to never have had them at all. I am either a ship without a sail, or a ship without a rudder. Or maybe I’m a ship without a crew. Ship without an anchor? Or maybe not having resolutions makes me a canoe. Regardless of which way I fit into the ship-in-the-ocean-equals-a-life-with-goals metaphor, I feel the year without any resolutions or goals weighs on my soul, like a bowling ball on the chest.
To revive my crushed spirit, I have made a list of 2008 resolutions. Not 2009 resolutions. This is a special list of goals. A list where I accomplish everything, I set out to do. I call them my retro-resolutions. If 2008 was a disappointing year, I invite you to do the same.
My 2008 Retro-Resolutions
1. Start a blog.
2. Change majors again.
3. Don’t get a divorce (This wasn’t hard).
4. Miss an airline flight due to illness.
— a. Vomit more than once.
5. Forget own Social Security Number for about a week.
6. Be rejected from a University program.
7. Spend more time with the TV than is natural.
8. Start several books, but never finish.
— a. This may require more time with the TV.
— b. For maximum effect, borrow several books from the library all at once and begin reading simultaneously.
9. Let the guitar get dustier with disuse.
— a. Again more time with the TV.
10. Get worse at drawing.
— a. No TV required.
— b. Consider quitting forever.
— c. Keep on drawing and getting worse, you masochist.
11. Join a flag football team.
— a. Hope you learn to laugh at yourself again.
— b. Hope your teammates laugh with you.
— c. Remember that one win is better than no wins.
— d. Stop crying.
12. Gain more weight than you want to.
— a. Hope something good is on TV, couch potato.
— b. Remember that health food is for sissy-faces.
— c. The number on the scale means nothing.
13. Don’t die.