Hello, My Name is Jeff.

This is my monoblogue.

Archive for February 2009

Lost and Found in Translation

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Several weeks ago, this very blog was approached by a visitor FROM BEYOND!  This visitor was, by means of Google’s translation service, able to read my post about pumping a bike tire, in a language that suited him/her/it better than English.  As chance would have it, visitors FROM BEYOND prefer reading Japanese to anything else.  The difficulty of written Japanese suggests that this visitor has mental capacities that exceed our own (which tells me we should pay more attention to Japanese sci-fi films, and spend less time giggling when they talk).

Curious to see what sort of messages this visitor might have received from the translated post, I checked it in Japanese myself (I am crazy).  However, I remained uncertain about just how much the language changed the message.  So I translated the Japanese back into English, for better clarity.  What I found could change the foundations of language and psychological research as we know it.  NEW MEANING and SECRET WARNINGS that my unconscious has been trying to tell me were pulled from my own writing.  I have placed the translated entry below so that we can mutually learn to restrain ourselves to see the femme fatale with scissors, along with other good life lessons, which have been highlighted for convenience.  Compare with the original for full effect.

“I swear afternoon around feel frustrated as well 3:30: I have my lips and moan, and words and how to actually form a syllable in the form of rambling in my mouth I have never learned how to achieve. I’m the last one has been successful is the crucible of Sisyphus improper repair the back of what I have spent hours on the long hard part: the fact that the puncture repair . Now, I fight, I’m on my tube of a bicycle tire pump should feel the air fill with my bicycle tires to create a seal, every time you try to get the pump, I have it If the very idea, the device, in particular, “put air in the tires” are not denied a bicycle tire pump called. Also, find much bad, I dislike, cracking the plastic mouth of the pump were also damaged, and the ability to achieve that purpose.

It is not my anger. My anger is an incredible hulk – has reached its peak. 1, as Samsung has provoked in the jawbone of an ass, I pump on the asphalt of the chef’s arms thrown back and get a pump in my hand I would clatters away a few feet, the target idea is to return the pump, while it is probably thrown in front, you have to restrain myself not to see a femme fatale with scissors.

“I was at that time, the position above, the curse, I can only manage the guttural language of all of my anger and try to really not knowing where to start,” awwwww, and poo and myself have been found. ”

25, I’m embarrassed, “poo” without saying, is an extreme threat, especially as most people feel that appeals to a number of other terms in English. And, it is my confession. It is 25, I still say the word “poo” is frustrated, sometimes even if you say it, I have no complaints. A few months ago, somebody talked about the conversation, I think, asked the first word ME “was poo.” And then I say that out of my mouth next. Needless to say, people are talking about the conversations that I do not come anymore.

In fact, I will confess my real topic, all of my bike, instead of suffering over the last two weeks on a bike ride, I remember. However, at this point I have written so much already, are you “I have a bike” entry of the rest were lying here.”

Notice the existence of the messages “I have my lips” and “I will confess my real topic”.  It seems that my unconscious predicted the discovery of these secret messages.
Much of this is still cryptic, and in an effort to decode the message I have included
Questions for Discussion:

1. I fear that the femme fatale could be my wife.  What should I do to survive the next time she has scissors?

2. What are these conversations?  You know, the ones that I do not come anymore?

3. What could I mean when I say “poo and myself have been found”?  Am I trapped in some sort of cosmic toilet, drawn by the swirling flow of time around an inescapable bowl, and doomed to share poo’s fate?  Is there no path that involves climbing out of the toilet like a mutant New York rat and shaping my own mashed potato destiny?  How can I learn to accept such a fate?


Written by Jeff

February 26, 2009 at 9:36 am

Five Feared Dead in Aftermath of Bake Sale

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Cheboygan, MI— Charity turned to tragedy today, when a  bake sale for victims of radiation poisoning turned into the epicenter of what some experts are calling, “the worst destruction and chaos in Cheboygan’s history.”  It was a bake sale that began with Dr. Bruce Banner, organizer of the event and currently unemployed researcher, announcing his intentions “to bring happiness to all the world’s children”, and ended with half the city in ruins.  Experts have not been able to come to an exact description of what transpired, but eye-witness reports generally converge around the description of a terrible, green giant, overturning cars, scattering people like ants, and at one point, tossing a bus through a twelve-story building.

Police report that despite horrendous amounts of damage, most people escaped with only minor cuts and bruises.  Currently, five people are reported missing, including three attorneys and Dr. Banner, as well as a small, black pug named, Steve.  The police further estimate that at least $800 million dollars worth of damage has been done to the downtown area alone.

An individual who was present, commenting on condition of anonymity, stated that directly prior to the wide-spread destruction which occurred, several attorneys for Marvel Comics Ltd., a well-known comic publisher, arrived at the bake sale, accused Dr. Banner of copyright infringement, and delivered a cease and desist order, because the cookies were shaped and colored green like a well-known comic book character registered to the company.  When Banner refused, the anonymous eye-witness states that the attorneys began throwing some of the cookies at the doctor.  Shouting occurred, followed by a small scuffle, which was broken up by the appearance of the destructive terror that some witnesses have called, “a hulk.”

Marvel Comics refused to comment on the incident, but one upper-management representative cautioned, “if people would respect copyright laws, stuff like this just wouldn’t happen.”
It is unclear as to whether he was referring to today’s destruction, or to the altercation between Banner and the attorneys.

Written by Jeff

February 18, 2009 at 7:24 pm

Rejection. Pt 3: Tables Turned. Or Don’t Give Your Information to Stevens-Henager.

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In early 2008, Jeff signed up on the website of Stevens-Henager’s College to obtain some simple pricing information.  He never got it.  Instead with the aid of his address and phone number, the institution attempted to wrap its shadowy tentacles around him, and draw him in to see a guidance counselor (see also salesperson).  The struggle continues to this day…

Letter #1

April 25, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager today.  Thousands of graphic design jobs are created every day and can be yours with the training we give.  Get on the fasttrack and get that dream job you’ve wanted.  And if you sign up for classes by May 1st, we’ll give you a free Apple laptop to use in your studies!  This is a limited time opportunity to get a computer and get on the road to meeting your dreams, so come in today!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you two free movie tickets for a limited time only!

It’s time to stop dreaming, and start achieving the results you want!

Letter #2

May 2, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager today, in case you forgot.  There are BILLIONS of graphic design jobs created every 6 seconds, and the market just can’t keep up with the demand!  YOU are in high demand today, Jeff!  So what are you waiting for?  And as if that weren’t enough, sign up for classes by May 16th, and we’ll give you a free Apple laptop or Windows laptop to use in your studies!  This is a limited time offer, so come seize it today!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you dinner for two at Olive Garden!

It’s time to stop dreaming, and start making the money you’ve been waiting for!

Letter #13

June 15, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager.  You are clearly not aware that an infinite number of jobs are generated every 13 nanoseconds, and that companies are practically throwing money at graphic designers.  Still not intrigued?  We’ll give you a state-of-the-art laptop that will do the work for you!  You just have to sign up for classes by June 22nd!  Isn’t that easy?  We’re practically giving you your future!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you a hot-air balloon!

It’s time you quit ignoring us!

Letter #28

June 15, 2008

Dear Jeff,
Remember us?  We’re Stevens-Henager College and we just want to make your life better.  Every time your heart beats, you draw closer to death, and you still haven’t signed up for our incredible Graphics Design training!  What could you be waiting for?  When was the last time you saw a zombie taking technical school classes?  It just simply DOESN’T HAPPEN.  Have we mentioned that if you sign up for classes by the end of the day, we’ll give you a fully-automated robot, that will not only do all the work for you, but protect you from potentially devious and powerful enemies?  Your future has never had this kind of longevity!

Sign up today, because death is only a poisoned-dart-fired-from-a-mysterious-business-man’s-briefcase away.  No, we’re kidding.


Did we mention free movie tickets?

Letter #6,023

February 6, 2009

Dear Current Resident,
Have you ever had a dream for the future?  We at Stevens-Henager College once had a dream that a young man named Jeff would join our school and take classes from us.  We dreamed about patting him on the head as he learned under our tutelage, and adopting him as a son when he graduated from our ranks.  We dreamed that he would become one of us, and take over when we had passed on.

But those hopes were dashed when he threw away our letters, ignored our phone calls, fled from the sound of our approaching footsteps, and foiled an assassination plot.

If you see Jeff, or speak with him, will you let him know that we’re thinking about him?  And Jeff, if you’re reading this, it’s not too late to change your mind.  We’ll never change ours 😉

Written by Jeff

February 8, 2009 at 10:36 pm

Rejection. Pt 2: Better Luck Next Time

with 3 comments

August 17, 2008

Dear Jeffrey,
We appreciate your interest in the Animation Program; however, we regret to inform you that you have not been accepted.  We have limited spaces within the program and wish to fill them with people who have real skill.  We’re sorry to be the ones to bring this absolute lack of talent to your attention, but know that your family and friends are weak and too afraid to bruise your frail ego and tell you what they really think.  This is entirely your own fault.  They may have seen your work and expressed approval.  But you should have noticed the slight pause as they assessed whether it was not more beneficial to tell you the truth before they answered.  And why were you too dim to see the way they refused to peer at your work for more than a few seconds?  Had it been as beautiful as they said, they would have stared at it for long, long hours, pondering the theme and lauding over its sensitivity, the way they would with real art.  Instead, their eyes darted to other objects in the room, the light fixture, the table… the door (how they must have yearned for an escape).  You should have seen this coming.

We wish wholeheartedly that you could have been there as we reviewed your portfolio and (literally) tore it to pieces.  We wish you could have seen us as we laughed, mocking your crude linework, and concept of space and form.  As we pretended to draw like you would, our brows furrowed, hands pawing the pencil like a cripple, scribbling stick-men and pausing to make grunting noises until we toppled from our chairs in painful, spasmodic laughter.

If you still wish to have a career in the Animation industry, may we suggest the janitorial services path?  Cleaning offices and mopping floors may be your only entry into this sphere.

Normally, we say “better luck next time”, but may we suggest that there not be a next time?  Instead, focus on your ability to polish door knobs, and make toilets shine with the reflections of the animators as they use them.

Regards, and thanks for the laughs,

The Animation Program Portfolio Review Committee

P.S.  Do not come pick up your portfolio.  It has been burned.

Written by Jeff

February 1, 2009 at 10:35 pm