Hello, My Name is Jeff.

This is my monoblogue.

Rejection. Pt 3: Tables Turned. Or Don’t Give Your Information to Stevens-Henager.

with 7 comments

In early 2008, Jeff signed up on the website of Stevens-Henager’s College to obtain some simple pricing information.  He never got it.  Instead with the aid of his address and phone number, the institution attempted to wrap its shadowy tentacles around him, and draw him in to see a guidance counselor (see also salesperson).  The struggle continues to this day…


Letter #1

April 25, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager today.  Thousands of graphic design jobs are created every day and can be yours with the training we give.  Get on the fasttrack and get that dream job you’ve wanted.  And if you sign up for classes by May 1st, we’ll give you a free Apple laptop to use in your studies!  This is a limited time opportunity to get a computer and get on the road to meeting your dreams, so come in today!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you two free movie tickets for a limited time only!

It’s time to stop dreaming, and start achieving the results you want!


Letter #2

May 2, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager today, in case you forgot.  There are BILLIONS of graphic design jobs created every 6 seconds, and the market just can’t keep up with the demand!  YOU are in high demand today, Jeff!  So what are you waiting for?  And as if that weren’t enough, sign up for classes by May 16th, and we’ll give you a free Apple laptop or Windows laptop to use in your studies!  This is a limited time offer, so come seize it today!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you dinner for two at Olive Garden!

It’s time to stop dreaming, and start making the money you’ve been waiting for!


Letter #13

June 15, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager.  You are clearly not aware that an infinite number of jobs are generated every 13 nanoseconds, and that companies are practically throwing money at graphic designers.  Still not intrigued?  We’ll give you a state-of-the-art laptop that will do the work for you!  You just have to sign up for classes by June 22nd!  Isn’t that easy?  We’re practically giving you your future!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you a hot-air balloon!

It’s time you quit ignoring us!


Letter #28

June 15, 2008

Dear Jeff,
Remember us?  We’re Stevens-Henager College and we just want to make your life better.  Every time your heart beats, you draw closer to death, and you still haven’t signed up for our incredible Graphics Design training!  What could you be waiting for?  When was the last time you saw a zombie taking technical school classes?  It just simply DOESN’T HAPPEN.  Have we mentioned that if you sign up for classes by the end of the day, we’ll give you a fully-automated robot, that will not only do all the work for you, but protect you from potentially devious and powerful enemies?  Your future has never had this kind of longevity!

Sign up today, because death is only a poisoned-dart-fired-from-a-mysterious-business-man’s-briefcase away.  No, we’re kidding.

Maybe.

Did we mention free movie tickets?


Letter #6,023

February 6, 2009

Dear Current Resident,
Have you ever had a dream for the future?  We at Stevens-Henager College once had a dream that a young man named Jeff would join our school and take classes from us.  We dreamed about patting him on the head as he learned under our tutelage, and adopting him as a son when he graduated from our ranks.  We dreamed that he would become one of us, and take over when we had passed on.

But those hopes were dashed when he threw away our letters, ignored our phone calls, fled from the sound of our approaching footsteps, and foiled an assassination plot.

If you see Jeff, or speak with him, will you let him know that we’re thinking about him?  And Jeff, if you’re reading this, it’s not too late to change your mind.  We’ll never change ours 😉

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Written by Jeff

February 8, 2009 at 10:36 pm

7 Responses

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  1. limited time, if i come here in to meet with a counselor, will give you two free movie tickets for me?

    thanks!

    Saravanakumar

    February 9, 2009 at 4:28 am

  2. Jeff,

    Your experience sounds familiar to one that I had during high school because of that dang computer graphics class that I signed up for. I filled out a survey on my second day of my junior year and began receiving info from CCAC-also known as the California College of Arts and Crafts. At first it was just letters and then they somehow got a hold of some test results that I had. Then the mail really started.

    I got magazines, letters, a DVD showing what I was missing. Then the creepiest thing of all came. It was an 8 1/2 x 11 book, soft back filled with nothing but pictures of peoples heads, filling the full page. No bodies, just heads. And I have never seem such a collage of ugly people in my life. Its like they held a casting for them and if you didn’t have a minimum a 5 things wrong with you, you didn’t make the cut.

    If this was a marketing gimmick to make me think that anybody could go to their school n matter what you look like, it didn’t come across that way. Instead it made me feel like if I ever wanted to think of myself as a somewhat good looking person, I could not go to this school regardless of the quality of the education. Studying at the school would forever brand me as the ugly kid, regardless of my actual appearance.

    Taylor Sanderson

    February 9, 2009 at 7:45 am

  3. I would have been tempted by the robot.

    sarahthe

    February 9, 2009 at 10:05 am

  4. Taylor,
    Please tell me you still have the 8 1/2 x 11 book filled with human heads.

    Saravanakumar,
    You’re going to want to meet a mysterious man in a business suit with a briefcase by the old train tracks. Wear only boots, a cape, and a leotard. Bring a pen and tell him “Jeff sent me to review the terms of your surrender.” Free movie tickets should follow in a timely manner.

    Jeff

    February 9, 2009 at 10:10 am

  5. I could only giggle softly because everyone was asleep. If I let out the real guffaws I had in reaction to this latest blog, there would have been complaints from the family. I will guffaw tomorrow.
    Hysterical again!!

    Mom

    February 13, 2009 at 12:58 am

  6. Jeff, we know everyone has their “black sheep” days. It’s alright. We forgive you of your inconsiderate attitude–the many years of cold-shouldering and ignoring us. Don’t worry. We still care. We’re here for you.. Waiting…

    Stevens-Henager College

    August 7, 2009 at 11:47 am

  7. lol sounds like what I’m going through now when I contacted two college for tuition cost

    justordinary

    August 9, 2009 at 11:06 pm


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