Hello, My Name is Jeff.

This is my monoblogue.

Archive for the ‘rejection’ Category

Rejection. Pt 3: Tables Turned. Or Don’t Give Your Information to Stevens-Henager.

with 7 comments

In early 2008, Jeff signed up on the website of Stevens-Henager’s College to obtain some simple pricing information.  He never got it.  Instead with the aid of his address and phone number, the institution attempted to wrap its shadowy tentacles around him, and draw him in to see a guidance counselor (see also salesperson).  The struggle continues to this day…


Letter #1

April 25, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager today.  Thousands of graphic design jobs are created every day and can be yours with the training we give.  Get on the fasttrack and get that dream job you’ve wanted.  And if you sign up for classes by May 1st, we’ll give you a free Apple laptop to use in your studies!  This is a limited time opportunity to get a computer and get on the road to meeting your dreams, so come in today!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you two free movie tickets for a limited time only!

It’s time to stop dreaming, and start achieving the results you want!


Letter #2

May 2, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager today, in case you forgot.  There are BILLIONS of graphic design jobs created every 6 seconds, and the market just can’t keep up with the demand!  YOU are in high demand today, Jeff!  So what are you waiting for?  And as if that weren’t enough, sign up for classes by May 16th, and we’ll give you a free Apple laptop or Windows laptop to use in your studies!  This is a limited time offer, so come seize it today!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you dinner for two at Olive Garden!

It’s time to stop dreaming, and start making the money you’ve been waiting for!


Letter #13

June 15, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager.  You are clearly not aware that an infinite number of jobs are generated every 13 nanoseconds, and that companies are practically throwing money at graphic designers.  Still not intrigued?  We’ll give you a state-of-the-art laptop that will do the work for you!  You just have to sign up for classes by June 22nd!  Isn’t that easy?  We’re practically giving you your future!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you a hot-air balloon!

It’s time you quit ignoring us!


Letter #28

June 15, 2008

Dear Jeff,
Remember us?  We’re Stevens-Henager College and we just want to make your life better.  Every time your heart beats, you draw closer to death, and you still haven’t signed up for our incredible Graphics Design training!  What could you be waiting for?  When was the last time you saw a zombie taking technical school classes?  It just simply DOESN’T HAPPEN.  Have we mentioned that if you sign up for classes by the end of the day, we’ll give you a fully-automated robot, that will not only do all the work for you, but protect you from potentially devious and powerful enemies?  Your future has never had this kind of longevity!

Sign up today, because death is only a poisoned-dart-fired-from-a-mysterious-business-man’s-briefcase away.  No, we’re kidding.

Maybe.

Did we mention free movie tickets?


Letter #6,023

February 6, 2009

Dear Current Resident,
Have you ever had a dream for the future?  We at Stevens-Henager College once had a dream that a young man named Jeff would join our school and take classes from us.  We dreamed about patting him on the head as he learned under our tutelage, and adopting him as a son when he graduated from our ranks.  We dreamed that he would become one of us, and take over when we had passed on.

But those hopes were dashed when he threw away our letters, ignored our phone calls, fled from the sound of our approaching footsteps, and foiled an assassination plot.

If you see Jeff, or speak with him, will you let him know that we’re thinking about him?  And Jeff, if you’re reading this, it’s not too late to change your mind.  We’ll never change ours 😉

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Written by Jeff

February 8, 2009 at 10:36 pm

Rejection. Pt 2: Better Luck Next Time

with 3 comments

August 17, 2008

Dear Jeffrey,
We appreciate your interest in the Animation Program; however, we regret to inform you that you have not been accepted.  We have limited spaces within the program and wish to fill them with people who have real skill.  We’re sorry to be the ones to bring this absolute lack of talent to your attention, but know that your family and friends are weak and too afraid to bruise your frail ego and tell you what they really think.  This is entirely your own fault.  They may have seen your work and expressed approval.  But you should have noticed the slight pause as they assessed whether it was not more beneficial to tell you the truth before they answered.  And why were you too dim to see the way they refused to peer at your work for more than a few seconds?  Had it been as beautiful as they said, they would have stared at it for long, long hours, pondering the theme and lauding over its sensitivity, the way they would with real art.  Instead, their eyes darted to other objects in the room, the light fixture, the table… the door (how they must have yearned for an escape).  You should have seen this coming.

We wish wholeheartedly that you could have been there as we reviewed your portfolio and (literally) tore it to pieces.  We wish you could have seen us as we laughed, mocking your crude linework, and concept of space and form.  As we pretended to draw like you would, our brows furrowed, hands pawing the pencil like a cripple, scribbling stick-men and pausing to make grunting noises until we toppled from our chairs in painful, spasmodic laughter.

If you still wish to have a career in the Animation industry, may we suggest the janitorial services path?  Cleaning offices and mopping floors may be your only entry into this sphere.

Normally, we say “better luck next time”, but may we suggest that there not be a next time?  Instead, focus on your ability to polish door knobs, and make toilets shine with the reflections of the animators as they use them.

Regards, and thanks for the laughs,

The Animation Program Portfolio Review Committee

P.S.  Do not come pick up your portfolio.  It has been burned.

Written by Jeff

February 1, 2009 at 10:35 pm

Rejection. Pt 1: Battle of the Jeffs

with 4 comments

When I was young and in elementary school, I became friends with this one kid in my class.  We would hang out during recess on the playground and generally have a good time, swaying on the monkey bars, or climbing up the slide.  Making friends was never my strength.  It seemed like whenever I did, they usually ended up moving out later the same year.  And so having any friend seemed important.  Eventually this kid became my best friend.

Things were great until one day when we were joined by a third.  His name was also Jeff.  But we called him Jeff D.  To all in my class, I was Jeff C.*

The day that Jeff D. came to play was a day filled with darkness and loathing.  It wasn’t merely because he had the same name as me.  It was because the day he joined us on the playground, he claimed that my best friend was his best friend.  I looked to my best friend for affirmation of our special friendship, but never received any.  Instead, my best friend stood silently between us, possibly weighing our strengths and weaknesses against each other.  The playground became Jeff D.’s and my Colosseum, and we fought like unconscionable gladiators for the prize.  Each day, the three of us would head out to the playground, where Jeff D. and I would display our strength, dexterity and wisdom through made-up games and contests.  We would climb something not meant to be climbed, quiz each other on our mastery of 3rd grade math and history, leap from the swings, and anything else we could think of.  In these contests, Jeff D. and I were nearly equals.  It was like battling a twisted mirror version of myself.  His mastery of science was great, but my vast knowledge of dinosaurs was comparable.  He was a fan of Star Trek.  I was a fan of Star Wars.  Neither of us were particularly adept at the monkey bars.  Yet, as the year progressed, I felt my best friend slipping out of my grasp.

But it didn’t matter.  Later that year, my best friend rejected us both by skipping ahead a grade and leaving us behind.  I didn’t see him very much after that.  I don’t even remember his name anymore.



(*There was also a Jeff S. in my grade, but he was built like a twig,
and frail, and didn't play on the playground like the rest of us,
because playing on the playground meant the probability of a horrible
death involving the swings or the rope ladder.)

Written by Jeff

January 29, 2009 at 6:05 am