Hello, My Name is Jeff.

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Posts Tagged ‘assassination plot

Rejection. Pt 3: Tables Turned. Or Don’t Give Your Information to Stevens-Henager.

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In early 2008, Jeff signed up on the website of Stevens-Henager’s College to obtain some simple pricing information.  He never got it.  Instead with the aid of his address and phone number, the institution attempted to wrap its shadowy tentacles around him, and draw him in to see a guidance counselor (see also salesperson).  The struggle continues to this day…


Letter #1

April 25, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager today.  Thousands of graphic design jobs are created every day and can be yours with the training we give.  Get on the fasttrack and get that dream job you’ve wanted.  And if you sign up for classes by May 1st, we’ll give you a free Apple laptop to use in your studies!  This is a limited time opportunity to get a computer and get on the road to meeting your dreams, so come in today!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you two free movie tickets for a limited time only!

It’s time to stop dreaming, and start achieving the results you want!


Letter #2

May 2, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager today, in case you forgot.  There are BILLIONS of graphic design jobs created every 6 seconds, and the market just can’t keep up with the demand!  YOU are in high demand today, Jeff!  So what are you waiting for?  And as if that weren’t enough, sign up for classes by May 16th, and we’ll give you a free Apple laptop or Windows laptop to use in your studies!  This is a limited time offer, so come seize it today!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you dinner for two at Olive Garden!

It’s time to stop dreaming, and start making the money you’ve been waiting for!


Letter #13

June 15, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager.  You are clearly not aware that an infinite number of jobs are generated every 13 nanoseconds, and that companies are practically throwing money at graphic designers.  Still not intrigued?  We’ll give you a state-of-the-art laptop that will do the work for you!  You just have to sign up for classes by June 22nd!  Isn’t that easy?  We’re practically giving you your future!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you a hot-air balloon!

It’s time you quit ignoring us!


Letter #28

June 15, 2008

Dear Jeff,
Remember us?  We’re Stevens-Henager College and we just want to make your life better.  Every time your heart beats, you draw closer to death, and you still haven’t signed up for our incredible Graphics Design training!  What could you be waiting for?  When was the last time you saw a zombie taking technical school classes?  It just simply DOESN’T HAPPEN.  Have we mentioned that if you sign up for classes by the end of the day, we’ll give you a fully-automated robot, that will not only do all the work for you, but protect you from potentially devious and powerful enemies?  Your future has never had this kind of longevity!

Sign up today, because death is only a poisoned-dart-fired-from-a-mysterious-business-man’s-briefcase away.  No, we’re kidding.

Maybe.

Did we mention free movie tickets?


Letter #6,023

February 6, 2009

Dear Current Resident,
Have you ever had a dream for the future?  We at Stevens-Henager College once had a dream that a young man named Jeff would join our school and take classes from us.  We dreamed about patting him on the head as he learned under our tutelage, and adopting him as a son when he graduated from our ranks.  We dreamed that he would become one of us, and take over when we had passed on.

But those hopes were dashed when he threw away our letters, ignored our phone calls, fled from the sound of our approaching footsteps, and foiled an assassination plot.

If you see Jeff, or speak with him, will you let him know that we’re thinking about him?  And Jeff, if you’re reading this, it’s not too late to change your mind.  We’ll never change ours 😉

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Written by Jeff

February 8, 2009 at 10:36 pm