Hello, My Name is Jeff.

This is my monoblogue.

Posts Tagged ‘creepy

Rejection. Pt 3: Tables Turned. Or Don’t Give Your Information to Stevens-Henager.

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In early 2008, Jeff signed up on the website of Stevens-Henager’s College to obtain some simple pricing information.  He never got it.  Instead with the aid of his address and phone number, the institution attempted to wrap its shadowy tentacles around him, and draw him in to see a guidance counselor (see also salesperson).  The struggle continues to this day…


Letter #1

April 25, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager today.  Thousands of graphic design jobs are created every day and can be yours with the training we give.  Get on the fasttrack and get that dream job you’ve wanted.  And if you sign up for classes by May 1st, we’ll give you a free Apple laptop to use in your studies!  This is a limited time opportunity to get a computer and get on the road to meeting your dreams, so come in today!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you two free movie tickets for a limited time only!

It’s time to stop dreaming, and start achieving the results you want!


Letter #2

May 2, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager today, in case you forgot.  There are BILLIONS of graphic design jobs created every 6 seconds, and the market just can’t keep up with the demand!  YOU are in high demand today, Jeff!  So what are you waiting for?  And as if that weren’t enough, sign up for classes by May 16th, and we’ll give you a free Apple laptop or Windows laptop to use in your studies!  This is a limited time offer, so come seize it today!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you dinner for two at Olive Garden!

It’s time to stop dreaming, and start making the money you’ve been waiting for!


Letter #13

June 15, 2008

Dear Jeff,
We wanted to let you know about the exciting opportunities offered at Stevens-Henager.  You are clearly not aware that an infinite number of jobs are generated every 13 nanoseconds, and that companies are practically throwing money at graphic designers.  Still not intrigued?  We’ll give you a state-of-the-art laptop that will do the work for you!  You just have to sign up for classes by June 22nd!  Isn’t that easy?  We’re practically giving you your future!

And for a limited time, if you come in to meet with a counselor, we’ll give you a hot-air balloon!

It’s time you quit ignoring us!


Letter #28

June 15, 2008

Dear Jeff,
Remember us?  We’re Stevens-Henager College and we just want to make your life better.  Every time your heart beats, you draw closer to death, and you still haven’t signed up for our incredible Graphics Design training!  What could you be waiting for?  When was the last time you saw a zombie taking technical school classes?  It just simply DOESN’T HAPPEN.  Have we mentioned that if you sign up for classes by the end of the day, we’ll give you a fully-automated robot, that will not only do all the work for you, but protect you from potentially devious and powerful enemies?  Your future has never had this kind of longevity!

Sign up today, because death is only a poisoned-dart-fired-from-a-mysterious-business-man’s-briefcase away.  No, we’re kidding.

Maybe.

Did we mention free movie tickets?


Letter #6,023

February 6, 2009

Dear Current Resident,
Have you ever had a dream for the future?  We at Stevens-Henager College once had a dream that a young man named Jeff would join our school and take classes from us.  We dreamed about patting him on the head as he learned under our tutelage, and adopting him as a son when he graduated from our ranks.  We dreamed that he would become one of us, and take over when we had passed on.

But those hopes were dashed when he threw away our letters, ignored our phone calls, fled from the sound of our approaching footsteps, and foiled an assassination plot.

If you see Jeff, or speak with him, will you let him know that we’re thinking about him?  And Jeff, if you’re reading this, it’s not too late to change your mind.  We’ll never change ours 😉

Written by Jeff

February 8, 2009 at 10:36 pm

Twitter is for Stalkers

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I.
Summer 2006

Girl: Hello?
Jeff: Hey, it’s Jeff. How’s it going?
Girl: Oh… good.
Jeff: Yeah? How’s your week been?
Girl: Still good since yesterday, when we last talked.
Jeff: Well… just gotta keep making sure, ya know?
Girl: …
Jeff: Hey, are we still on for tonight?
Girl: Actually, I have a lot of homework to do.
Jeff: It’s summer.
Girl: I know, but I just have a bunch of homework. I didn’t know I was going to have it, but then I did.
Jeff: Wow. Crazy how it just sneaks up like that.
Girl: Sick.
Jeff: What?
Girl: I’m also feeling sick.
Jeff: Really?
Girl: Yeah.
Jeff: I’m sorry. Maybe I should bring you some chicken noodle soup–
Girl: No, I’ll be OK. It’s actually my roommate so I have to take care of her so…
Jeff: Your roommate?
Girl: Listen, I’m just walking out my door to go to work so…
Jeff: OK, yeah. Nice shoes by the way.
Girl: What?
Jeff: I didn’t– nothing… Well, have a good day. I’ll call you later. [Click]

II.

Recently, I became acquainted with a website called Twitter. For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, Twitter is like a mini-blogging platform. Unfortunately, this is as simple a description as I can give. You set up an account with a username (mine is jeffisnotart), and as long as your message is within 140 characters you can put up whatever you want. It’s a little bit like cellphone texting, but it gets placed on the web for anyone to see. I swear that it’s all the internet rage right now, even though it resembles the feeling of being in a hot, crowded room listening to the cacophony of millions of voices, all yelling to be heard at the same time. The creators of this “service” named it Twitter to draw upon the imagery of a lot of little birds sitting in a tree, tweeting away. I’m not sure that birds have ever been this ugly, obnoxious, or egocentric. This might be because the general prompt for what to write on your account is “what are you doing right now?” This results in things like “making coffee and getting ready to head out to Beaver Lake!”, “ is finishing of the morning start with Hall & Oates Greatest Hits.” or “地 味にショック”. Under these conditions, I find my own “tweets” leaning more towards the absurd, with comments like, “has the brain of an elephant, and the pores of a sweaty pubescent boy.” or “is not eating bagels.” For some of you out there reading this, I give a word of warning: If you bristle in the presence of grammar mistakes and spelling errors, Twitter is not for you.

But who is Twitter for then, if not for those who love grammar and writing? Twitter is for stalkers.

Twitter is to stalkers, what menus are to restaurant customers. What could be better in the mind of a stalker than a global repository of people telling you what they’re doing right at that moment? One popular function even let’s you “follow” people.

And so sensing the eerie proximity of an unseen presence, today I put in: “I know you’re out there, stalkers!” And though I received no reply, I still have the feeling some internet voyeur is out there, peering through Windows at me…

III.

Received: 11-13-2008 5:36:02 PM
From: daemont@mail.co.cn
To: Jeff

Dear Jeffisnotart,
You dont know me but Im been following you on Twitter for a cople of days now. Surprise! LOL! 😉 Anyway, you haven’t tweeted in a while and I was wondring if everything is ok? Do u think you will post soon? Your great! Well anwyay, I hope to see you tweet again soon.

Sincelrey,
Yur secret admirer.

PS I miss you.

PPS I made you a picture. BFF! LOL

Written by Jeff

November 13, 2008 at 6:16 pm